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by Dr Cyber-Kat
As a cyborg-cat, I was very excited to read about Oscar the Cat, the feline with the bionic legs. It is a truly inspiring story that brought hope to me that humans will finally start considering creating huge robotic super cats to replace them as leaders of this Earth. It is about time too. There is hardly problem on Earth today that cannot be solved with a bunch of 25 foot tall robotic felines. Have an oil spill? No problem! We’ll just swim around in the ocean, absorb all the oil in our fur then lick it up. Cats are use to licking disgusting stuff off of us- its kind of a cat thing. War? Ha! Cats were made for wars. It will be like playing with lots of cute little cat toys running around desperately trying to hide from you. Troubled economy? Once 25 foot tall super felines starts roaming the Earth looking for things to ‘play’ with every human on Earth will won’t a new, more secure, home. House troubles solved!
So humanity if you want to start living a worry free life build super cats to replace you. It is the simplest solution. And for all you dogs out there, do not worry we will not get revenge but I would tone up those running legs if I were you. And here is one bit of advise I can give Oscar as a cyborg cat myself, try to resist licking your new metal parts. Trust me, they will rust fast.
by Dr Cyber-Kat · Human Caregivers · Society · Stupid humans · Technology
By Monifoop, the Space Creature
It has come to our attention that the United States is no longer planning a return vacation to the moon. I have been vacationing on Earth for a number of years and I have been disappointed on how little distance humanities travels when vacationing. Returning to the moon for yet another vacation seems silly. The moon is only 384,403 kilometers away, which is hardly a journey at all. Why not pay a visit to Alpha Centauri ? It is only a mere 4.3650 light years away! I traveled 140 light years to visit Earth and you don’t see me complaining.
The biggest problem with humanities constant on-a-again-off-again vacation planning is the devastating affect it has on the already feeble Moon economy. Moon creatures have never had it good. The Moon is desolate, cold and, lets be truthful about it, just ain’t that much fun. Moon creatures got all excited after Humanities first few vacation trips and built up a huge tourism industry to support future human vacationers only to be disappointed time and again. So, Humanity, either quit talking about it or just go. The Moon creatures have had enough with the lip service.
by Monifoop · Current Events · Science · Stupid humans · Technology
by Dr Cyber-Kat
A human was terminated from his job this week when his employer discovered he had been utilizing computers at work to aid the quest to communicate with creatures from space for a number of years. Read more here We applaud his effort here at Creature View even if he does appear to have spawned the furry of his former employer. We wish him best of luck with that.
However, we suggest next time he wants to talk to a space alien he needn’t look to the stars; they might be standing next to him right now. For decades creatures from space have been living among us and most of them are quite willing and capable of holding up there end of a conversation. The problem is humans are not. Numerous times creatures from space have tried to engage humanity in dialogue only to get a confused response back. You may have noticed a creature from space; most take on human form and greet people using the Universe’s standard greeting, begging for spare change. And what do they get for their politeness? -A cold shoulder.
This is not only true of space creatures but earth creatures as well. For example take Pigeons. Pigeons are, in fact, a super intelligent species. And, after year after year of unsuccessful attempt to communicate with humans most believe humans not to be the sharpest tool in the shed. Pigeons communicate in creative manner via the artistic language of dance. Most human mistake their strutting and prancing as a cute mating ritual not a sophisticated commentary on the everyday struggle of creature kind or a treatise on the space-time continuum (one of their favorite topics). So next time you see a pigeon dancing around respond with a little jig of your own and you may find yourself treated to a good conversation. If you can’t dance try The Universal Facial Tick Language
Below is two pigeons having a conversation about global warming.
By Dante the Dog.
NASA has crashed a probe into moon week in an effort to find water. . Dogs think their ingenuity is remarkable but suggest they may have been influenced by on of the greatest animal pioneers of all time, Ronny the Raccoon. Ronny was the first animal to discover that although metallic and boring on the outside trashcans are filled with an astonishing array resources and all it takes is a little effort to reveal the hidden gems inside. This revelation had tremendous social and scientific impact of animals across the globe. Before this, most animals saw little use for people. Sure cats and us dogs had figured out how to exploit people as a resource but for most animals, people were a drain on society. A debate raged amongst creatures on how to best approach people, some even advocated a violent uprising, but after the discovery that people gave away such an endless amounts of wealth to animals for free tempers were eased. Charity can be a compelling force sometimes.
So here Creature View, we congratulate NASA their spirit of discovery but recommend next time if they cannot find water check the toilet. It is a reliable source of water.
by Dr Cyber-Kat
Here at Null Knowledge we applaud CERN’s Large Hadron Collider. This is truly a monumental scientific achievement even if it is completely misguided. The Large Hadron Collider was built under this false assumption we live in a Universe composed of either point or string particles. Here at Null Knowledge we have uncovered evidence this assumption is false. We do not live in a Universe composed of strings or points but, rather, cat particles. The cat-particle model of the Universe not only can explain physical phenomena such as quantum tunneling and Schrödinger’s cat (Schrödinger’s cat kills him then stuffs his body in the box to hide the evidence) it can explain more important questions like, “why when two socks go into a dry only one comes out?” More on this in later articles.
In our ongoing effort to prove the cat-particle model of the universe we, at Null Knowledge labs, have built the world’s first catotron. A catotron is like particle accelerators except it uses cats and mice instead of particles. The concept is to accelerate the cat in the catotron and then, when sufficient speed has been reached, throw a mouse in and see what happens. Our complex and sophisticated mathematical models indicate a high probability that something very bad will happen to the mouse.
In this photo you can see a cat being loaded into the catotron.
Here is the catotron loaded and ready to go.
We will keep you post on any development on our continued quest to prove the cat-particle model on the Universe.
by Dr Cyber-Kat · Cat Particles · Physics · Science · Theory of Everything
by Dr Cyber-Kat
For all those who are participating in the first test of Smell-o-Web we have further instruction.
1) Retrieve your bag full of now hopefully ripe goodies.
2) Find the most awful, hideous content you have ever seen on the Interwebs (even if that happens to be something on this site).
3) Rip open the bag and inhale deeply (more so if you feel the worst thing on the Interwebs was something on this site.)
Congratulations! You have now participated in Web 4.987230540904-B
Disclaimer: Anyone who even thinks of doing anything we recommend should never do anything ever again.
by Dr Cyber-Kat
For this article I wish to discus Null Knowledge Lab’s theory of everything (or nothing depending on your view). Like String Theory, we believe the current point-particle model of physics is inept to say the least. Dark matter! Please! Dark Energy?! Are they even trying anymore? Null Knowledge lab’s theory is far better. Like String Theory, our theory uses extremely complicated math that no one can understand so no one can disprove. But, unlike String theory, the foundation of our model is easy to comprehend. We propose a cat-particle model of the Universe. Everything in the Universe is made up of trillions of tiny cats, little, tiny, itsy bitsy ones. This is evident by making a few casual observations. A body at rest stays at rest; this is clearly cat induced. Small bodies are attracted large bodies; when cold, cats always seek the largest belly thus greatest warmth. And our theory can easily explain even dark matter and dark energy. Dark matter: cats hide their weight very very well. Dark energy: cats enjoy taunting gravity therefore particles made up of cats like to do so as well. And finally, everything in the universe seems self absorbed and lazy; clearly there are a lot of little cats in all of us. So, embrace the plethora of inner cats that purr inside you this weekend by grabbing a little sun.
The chart below explains everything.
Theory of Everything
by Dr Cyber-Kat · Cat Particles · Physics · Science · Theory of Everything
by Dr Cyber-Kat
I must bring to the attention of all that we have a horrendous problem in our society. This problem is growing in nature and has reached such an epidemic proportion that we can no longer stand idly by doing nothing. I speak, of course, of people who do not wash their hands after using the lavatory. Just the other day I was at an overpriced restaurant, which was pretending to be expensive one, with a friend. After a few bottles of wine I found myself complied to pop into the lavatory to conduct business associated with the surrounding. As I was engaged in sed activities a well-dressed gentleman dashed in, conducted his business in a rather hasty fashion then dashed out without washing his hands! Upon finishing my task and properly washing my hands and left the bathroom only to discover the before mentioned gentleman was on a date. I was out raged! I felt required to warn the better half of the date of the young man’s unclean nature. Not wanting to alert the man of my attempt to protect the innocent young flower of his decrypt nature I attempted to communicate using sign language. And, I must admit failure for my attempts were misconstrued as a hostile threat on my part and I was promptly tossed out of the restaurant. The upside was my friend was forced to pay the bill.
Obviously a new solution is needed and we at Null Knowledge Labs are here to meet that call. The simplest solution to avoid future mis-communication is the development of a new a system of language employing fascicle ticks. We believe developing a new language employing facial ticks rather dealing with the tired, barren, confusing and overtly egotistical languages of old is the surest path to the successful sharing of complex concepts among humans. In fact we believe so strongly that we have begun an initiate to broaden the mandate of the language beyond informing dates they stuck with someone who may have pee on their hands and have begun using it to discus String Theory. We call this language the Universal Facial Tick Language.
Below is example of our new language:
Your date is a disgusting slob: right wink, nose twitch, right wink followed by a nervous fluttering of the right eye.
Your date dutifully cleaned himself and is suitable to meat your parents: left wink, bite upper lip, followed by only slightly sticking out your tongue.
Sincerely (left wink, right wink, curled up lower lip),
