Follow us
Loading ...Economy
Torry the Lemming
We have been monitoring the economic conditions here Creature View and see a dramatic trend that indicates a smart investor should drop walnuts and move to rocks as promptly as possible. As we predicted (read more on Creature View’s recovery prediction here ) the recovery is here but it is moving along similar to a timid, orphan fawn emerging from a bush after a forest fire. This does appear to be a love-shaped recovery with the slight possibility of an ampersand-shaped recovery if global markets do not continue pick up.
But currently we see trouble displaying its nasty head in the form of the leaf to petal ratios and the falling leaf index. From the following charts it is intuitively obvious that holding walnuts will be less than favorable in the upcoming quarter or next decade and rocks futures look bright as the moist cat index continues to remain flat.
We guarantee the rocks market will pick up and exceed the walnut market in the next quarter century as long is intelligent life is discovered and cold fusion proves to be fruitful otherwise it is anyone’s guess now isn’t it? In summary, if trends continue as they have been it is almost certain that something will happen within the next 50 to 100 years that will probably be considered bad by at least some people and almost completely certain something else will happen that some people consider good.
Torry the Lemming
Many human experts believe our current economic woes are, in fact, a great de-leveraging of the economy. It took us awhile here at Creature View to figure out how leveraging could aid the US economy but after much research and debating we figured it out and now have a solution! We were unaware a simplistic tool such leverage was pivotal in our modern economy. This may be why people forgot to use leverage for economic gains. So, we are providing a guide about the use of leverage to improve everyday economic activity. Let’s start putting leverage back into the economy! First, find an potential shopper with a thick wallet or heavy looking purse (be careful so as not to frighten sed shopper when approaching, remember shoppers today are a timid lot). Next, stick a long board under a shopper taking care to aim the shopper for a nearby store in need of customers. Finally, jump with all your weight onto the other end of the board. Congratulation! You have just added more leverage into our economy. See diagram below.
Torry the Lemming
Apparently the economy is still in need of a little tender love and care and Null Knowledge wants to help. Since we have no ability to help monetarily, or, truthfully, in any meaningful manner, we, instead (as so many columnist and talking heads are doing nowadays) offer only a simplistic, fix-all solution. In short, to aid our troubling economic woes we propose the creation of a three-dollar bill. How, might you ask, will this stimulate the economy? Simple, the creation of a three-dollar bill will obsolete the often-used phrase, phony-as-a-three-dollar-bill. This will in turn force studios to employ the hordes of out of work writers (who are currently wandering around aimlessly in Hollywood looking for handouts at every street corner) to come up with a new phrase to replace it. With such great minds back at work surely new innovations in humor will be spawned. And humor, as we all know, is the foundation of Society so such innovation would soon trickle down to all tasty nooks and crannies of our economy leading to greater prosperity for all. The added benefit will be the great inside joke created once the phrase is obsolete. When the next generation hears the now defunct phrase, phony-as-a-three-dollar-bill, they will cock their heads and ask “Mom, Dad, why is that funny? I have a three dollar bill right here” and we can say, “It just is little one. It just is.” Below is Creature View’s proposed new bill.
by Martha the Bear, HR Department.
Here at Creature View we are continually looking to ways to reduce cost during these trying times. Our latest imitative is cube sharing. We realized by putting two employees in a cube we could rent out the free cubes a toxic disposal firm.
Curiosity our HR staff matched predator to prey when handing out new cube assignments. The good news is we no longer need layoffs. The bad news is, our predator to prey ratio is now highly skewed and the toxic waste seems to be causing a slight case of zombieism in our employees, nothing like having hungry zombie predators as employees to keep you on your toes. Hopefully other firms will learn from our experience and rent out the free space to something less likely to cause zombieism. Zombie employees always tend to be a bit testier at quarterly reviews.
Torry the Lemming
All this incessant chatter about whether we will have an L or U or V shaped recovery Creature View feels compelled to enter into the fun. Wherever people can make claims with no practical knowledge of the subject matter and suffer no consequences for purposely reporting misleading or wrong information Creature View is there! So our prediction is, we will not have an L or U or V shaped recovery. Those letters alone are just not compelling enough to describe our current economic predicament. Therefore we predict we will have a LUV shaped recovery. What does that mean? It means the recovery won’t happen until we know what that means.
by Martha the Bear, HR Department.
With all the attention bonuses have been getting in the news recently we felt it would be prudent to reveal our bonus structure. Here at Creature View we don’t pay out bonus in terms of money but in perks.
The following are the yearly incentive bonuses by department:
Sales: A loss sale only results in two catapult sessions.
Labs: Less use of cattle prods as a motivational tools.
Creative Content: Not being eaten unless Dragon is really hungry.
An employee receives a bonus by exceeding all performance metrics and, in addition, not accepting an incentive bonus. Anyone who would accept an incentive bonus is just working for the bonus and that type of behavior should not be rewarded.
We believe our bonuses are typical for the average US firm.
by Martha the Bear, HR Department.
Due to the recent downsizing that is occurring in our economy Creature View would like to share three golden rules that has kept our workplace both a productive and pleasant environment. We had more rules but most of our employees can only count to three.
Creature View’s Three Golden HR rules:
1) Pants are not optional unless it really feels better that way.
2) Frying pan are not a method of conflict resolution, anvils are.
3) And finally, never, under and circumstances, eat a person, especially a small child, unless something is filming you.
We hope these rules will enable other firms to keep up moral during these troubling economic times.
