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by Squirrel
This week American Idol came to San Francisco. The concept of talent show dedicated to annoying humans with bad singing is not new to creature kind. Creatures even have their own version called CoquiFrog Idol. Like American Idol, the goal is make the most irritating and distressful sounds imaginable in order to annoy humans. But, instead of paying egoistical judges looking for media attention we randomly select humans just trying to relax and get a good night’s sleep. Just as the humans doze off the competition begins! The rules are simple; the first one to wake the human from his slumbers wins. You can earn extra points if the human leaps out of bed and rampages around the yard in their panamas in a vain attempt to kill you. The winner for the last six years has been Troy from Maui. When not annoying humans he is known for surfing and hanging out in a local tiki bar. We take our hats off here at Creature View for Troy’s incredible winning streak.
By Dragon the cat and Ruby the rat
Creature View got its copy of the Lego Harry Potter years 1-4 video game and after numerous hours of playing Ruby the mouse and Dragon the cat finally have their reviews.
Ruby’s Review
I was very excited to test the new Harry Potter Lego game. Finally, a game that would not involve decimated worlds or gratuitous violence. And this game lived up to my expectations; the Harry Potter world is brought to life. The feel of Hogwarts is absolutely perfect. Whenever I go to Hogwarts I feel like I’m returning home. Every room, like the potions room, is packed full of details fans of the books will enjoy. And the each character has its own personality from how they flip their hair to how they wave their wands. My one complaint is Dragon keeps cursing me for no reason, stupid cat. It gets really bad when he plays Voldemort.
Dragon’s Review
I must admit I was skeptical about a Lego video game version of the Harry Potter world. How could a Lego game capture a world which is so vivid in my mind? After running around a bit cursing people strolling down Diagon Alley, however, I was hooked. I could spend, I have spent, hours casting curses to make people’s heads swell up like melons or have flowers sprout from their heads or humorous other humiliations inflicted upon them. And do not get me started about having avada kedavra. The only downside to the game is having to stop playing and return to reality where I possess no such powers. I do have one complaint, there needs to be more spells and magical creatures.
By Dragon the Cat
Showing complete lack of sensibilities we sent Squirrel to review Tim Burton’s Alice and Wonderland. This was rather an obvious mistake. Anytime we ask ourselves, ‘how much harm can one squirrel do?’ we should know we made the wrong decision. I did try to warn Squirrel by telling him sage advice from my father, never eat food from a Hippie, especially while watching a Disney movie. Alias Squirrel did not follow this advice and ate a large amount of brownies provided to him by a couple who referred to themselves and Sky and Morning Light. Squirrel said the brownies had an unusual earthy taste to them but Morning Light assured him they were legit.
Halfway through the movie Squirrel thought it was a call to action for all animals to rise up and over throw tyranny. Squirrel then began running around the theater trying to recruit other creatures. Since it was the 3-D version of Alice in Wonderland, most of the audience members thought Squirrel was in the movie. The typical response to Squirrel was something like, “Dude, I don’t remember a ratty looking squirrel in the original.” This incised Squirrel, who thought it was his duty as a creature to spawn a revolution, so he crawled into the sub flooring and convinced the horde of rats living there to jump out while the movie was still on just for a bit of fun. Needless to say this got everyone’s attention. We apologize to all the moviegoers who missed out on the second half of Alice in Wonderland because of this. But next time you see a squirrel trying to start a revolution, don’t tell him he is ratty looking. We also apologize about the aftermath when the rats finished eating all the Hippie food and unleashed wave after wave of stoned-rat induced chaos on downtown San Francisco.
The copyright on the original book has expired an you can download for free here
By Sue the Black Widow
Valentine’s Day is a lonely day for us black widow spiders. Our suitors seldom are around long enough for us to enjoy some real quality time together. The problem is male black widow spiders are just so darn tasty and they never bring chocolate. Sure, they always bring flowers. Male black window always remember to bring flowers. But honestly girls, flowers just are not the same as a good box of chocolate. Especially if the night gets romantic, a girl just works up an appetite and if there is no chocolate to be found and girl’s gotta eat.
By Squirrel
A Renegade Craft event is coming to San Francisco this week end (Dec 19-20 2009) at Fort Mason. Check their website for scheduling to other cities. Creature View highly recommends this event for the craft or art enthusiast in your household.
Last year I went and enjoyed myself to no ends however people kept attempting to buy me. I admit I am utterly cute with my bushy tail and adorable cheeks but I am not a stuffed animal! I can’t tell you how many times some picked me up and gave me a big squeeze and asked how much for the ratty looking stuffed animal. This year if any people see a drunken squirrel running about please HANDS OFF! It will probably be me. However, if you are willing to pay for a hug or perhaps more we can come to an arrangement.
Art · Bay Area · by Squirrel · Events · LifeStyle
By Dragon the cat and Ruby the rat
It is the holiday season and that means time for the next crazy toy idea. This year Zhu Zhu Pets, a robotic hamster is the leading candidate for next year’s closet clutterer. We decided to review this new product for all those moms and dads looking for the perfect gift that will be enjoyed for at least ten minutes before being discarded in favor of the box it came in.
Ruby
I love Zhu Zhu Pets. I own five or six myself. Everyday when I am just about to leave the safety of my hole I let one loose to distract the cats. This trick always works without fail. The cats go for it and I make my escape. Thank you Zhu Zhu Pets. These little toys saved my life more than once. I plan to buy an army of so i can take on IBM’s robo-cat. A mouse can never to too safe.
Dragon
This is such a typical human thing. These things are dreadful. They are really easy to catch, providing no thrill to the hunt whatsoever and taste awful. I mean they taste really just incredibly awful. If Zhu Zhu Pets is going to all the effort to make a robotic hamster the least they can do is make them taste good. How hard can that be? I suggest the next version being tuna flavored. And also make them just a tad bit faster. I really like to work up an appetite when hunting my prey.
by Dante
Last week’s article was fitting because the start of a new season of Trashby has begun. Trashby, a sport much beloved in creature kind, was started to honor Ronny the Raccoon the discover secret wealth within trash cans. The rules are simple, two teams face off and try to toss the other teams garbage cans while defending their own.
This season was off to a great start with San Francisco’s own Trashby team the Dark Tins defeating the Chico Ripe Bananas. Samantha the chipmunk worked through a preseason injury to overcome the Ripe Bananas’ power house, Rabby the Possum. Rex the raccoon, the offense for the Dark Tins, drove home four sequential can tosses before a stupid human interrupted the game. The highlight was when Rabby slipped in the icky trash liquid and failed to block Rex’s final bin toss score.
Samantha ‘s performance will surely help quell rumors of a trade and the fans seemed to have forgiven Rex’s rude off court behavior. The latest incident was only last week when Rex got drunk off of mulberries and tried to ride a flying squirrel from a tall tree. Poor squirrel.
The score was seven trash cans to two after three and a half innings (game halted due to human interruption).
Note to stupid humans: quit interrupting our games.
By Squirrel
As you all know last week was the Twenty-Third International Squirrel Dog Taunting Invitational. This year it was held in beautiful Pennsylvania and the trees, just turning colors, created a wonderful backdrop for the competition. There was a lot of excitement about the much discussed rematch between Twirly and Samantha who, as you all remember, lost last year’s finals on a foul when she accidentally left a bow in her tail. The rules are very clear about use of flare during competitions.
For those of you unfamiliar with Squirrel Dog Taunting here is a brief description. A squirrel, who starts in a tree, has ten minutes to make a dog go irate. The squirrel who agitates the dog to the greatest degree wins. Dog agitation is measured by strength of bark, running speed and total time snarling. A competition dog is typical a terrier although in Europe poodles are known to be used.
The excitement this year was well placed for again, in the finals, Twirly and Samantha faced off. Twirly went first and got off to an aggressive start. He raced down the tree and confronted the furious terrier head on. This is always a risky move and luck was against Twirly this time. His head on assault scared the terrier who for the first five minutes did no barking or snarling of any kind but, instead, tried to hide. Only after recovering its composition did launch an attack. Samantha’s start was terrifying as she slipped and fell from the tree hitting the ground with great force. She seemed dazed and confused as the terrier raced towards her in great anticipation. But then, at the last second Samantha came too and raced up the tree further antagonizing the terrier. It had been all a ploy and this year Samantha won the cup more them making up for her unfortunate foul last year.
Scores for the final round:
| Contestant | Barking | Snarling | Chasing |
| Twirly | 6 | 7 | 5 |
| Samantha | 8 | 7 | 9 |
| Jimmy | 10 | 10 | Forfeit |
Our condolences go out to the family of Jimmy the Squirrel who found his match in the year’s terrier.
By Dragon the cat and Ruby the rat
Creature Time sent Ruby and Dragon to review the musical South Pacific showing in San Francisco, CA. South Pacific is playing at Golden Gate Theater Sept 09.
Ruby
It is amazing the number songs you know and love came from South Pacific. The musical feels like a fun history lesson on musical theater. And South Pacific’s message, although dated, is still relevant today and far more meaningful than the nihilistic and depressing messages of popular musicals today like Avenue Q. Still a little action would be nice. In the audience I could see people twisting in their seats trying to stay awake. This is especially disconcerting if you are seated next to a animal who routinely preys on your species. I swear Dragon kept looking at me with those huge dilated eyes of his with food on his mind. Dragon’s gaze made me think I should go on a diet. It is always better to be the thinnest prey around.
Dragon
I am not one who enjoys being sung at by over enthusiastic people is funny clothing with the intent to convey a story so, for most musicals, I try to look past my gag reflex to find redeeming qualities. Even so, it is amazing how anyone can take such an exciting event as WWII and make it about as boring and flavorless as a glass of water. South Pacific achieved just that. This is a truly monumental achievement for WWII holds a special place in our hearts (mostly males hearts) as a genre that can almost always be trusted to deliver excitement and a few good explosions. But, alias, there was none of that in South Pacific. To keep my interest I kept daydreaming of having a taste of Ruby with her oh so subtly plump hips and tasty back end.
By Ruby the rat
We here at Creature View were lucky enough to get the opportunity to interview one of the rarest of creatures, a werequirrel. Like werewolves and werebunnies, weresquirrels are a cursed creature appearing as squirrels most of the time but when the moon is full they take on a new form as a squirrel-human hybrid. We stumbled upon George the weresquirrel the last full moon when rummaging through the trash at Golden Gate park in San Francisco, CA. Here is a part of that the interview.
So George how long have you been a weresquirrel?
I have been a weresquirrel for five years come October.
How did you become a weresquirrel?
First, I would like to dispel the rumor you can become a weresquirrel by not eating enough nuts or being bitten by a human. This is simply not true. You can only become a weresquirrel by kissing a human. And trust me, kissing a human is not worth it.
What is the hardest part of being a weresquirrel?
It is not an easy life being a weresquirrel. Ignorant squirrels shun you fearing catching the curse. And it is impossible getting a date with another squirrel once everyone knows you have kissed a human. And humans are no better. They are so distrusting of other humans who are naked and have a big, bushy tail. I can’t tell you how many times I have had run up a tree to avoid angry mobs of humans.
What is it like in the human form?
It is dreadful becoming a human. I really miss the fur. Clothing is just not a substitute for fur and going to the bathroom is so much more difficult and messy as a human.
So if you stumble upon a weresquirrel late at night do not fear these poor cursed creatures. But, remember squirrels, do not kiss a human no matter how cute they look.
