This week American Idol came to San Francisco. The concept of talent show dedicated to annoying humans with bad singing is not new to creature kind. Creatures even have their own version called CoquiFrog Idol. Like American Idol, the goal is make the most irritating and distressful sounds imaginable in order to annoy humans. But, instead of paying egoistical judges looking for media attention we randomly select humans just trying to relax and get a good night’s sleep. Just as the humans doze off the competition begins! The rules are simple; the first one to wake the human from his slumbers wins. You can earn extra points if the human leaps out of bed and rampages around the yard in their panamas in a vain attempt to kill you. The winner for the last six years has been Troy from Maui. When not annoying humans he is known for surfing and hanging out in a local tiki bar. We take our hats off here at Creature View for Troy’s incredible winning streak.

                          

Creature View got its copy of the Lego Harry Potter years 1-4 video game and after numerous hours of playing Ruby the mouse and Dragon the cat finally have their reviews.

Ruby’s Review

I was very excited to test the new Harry Potter Lego game. Finally, a game that would not involve decimated worlds or gratuitous violence. And this game lived up to my expectations; the Harry Potter world is brought to life. The feel of Hogwarts is absolutely perfect. Whenever I go to Hogwarts I feel like I’m returning home. Every room, like the potions room, is packed full of details fans of the books will enjoy. And the each character has its own personality from how they flip their hair to how they wave their wands. My one complaint is Dragon keeps cursing me for no reason, stupid cat. It gets really bad when he plays Voldemort.

Dragon’s Review

I must admit I was skeptical about a Lego video game version of the Harry Potter world. How could a Lego game capture a world which is so vivid in my mind? After running around a bit cursing people strolling down Diagon Alley, however, I was hooked. I could spend, I have spent, hours casting curses to make people’s heads swell up like melons or have flowers sprout from their heads or humorous other humiliations inflicted upon them. And do not get me started about having avada kedavra. The only downside to the game is having to stop playing and return to reality where I possess no such powers. I do have one complaint, there needs to be more spells and magical creatures.

                          

There were two articles last week on training dogs, a New York Times article on the myth of Alpha-Male and a MSNBC Article on how dogs imitate humans. Interesting, people and dogs have co0habitated for eons and people still seemed perplexed and slightly intimidated about how well dogs learn. This is understandable. Humans require so much education even to be able to speak. I personally know of one human who has been in school for nearly forty years and is still no closer to leaving than he was ten years ago. If more than half your life is spent getting ready of the remaining half you are doing something wrong. So, people, as an alternative to torturing dogs in hopes they will submit or deluding yourself into thinking a dog is flattering you whenever you think it imitates you, why don’t you try to learn like dogs? It is quite simple; try listening to someone or something even if they do not hold the threat of failing grade or poor performance review. People may find they will need a decade less of formal education just to get by.

                          

I read an interesting article from Science Daily today about how human evolution was advanced by the close association of humans with animals such as cats and dogs. This got me pondering what affect humans have had on dog and cat evolution. I think it is safe to say humans have had a profoundly negative impact on the evolutionary development of cats and dogs. Take two examples:

Before man wolves were known as the most straightforward of all the creatures. If you needed an honest opinion a wolf, just before attempting to eat you, would gladly provide one. Since coming into contact with the so easily manipulated humans, wolves degenerated into dogs, who gladly feigns caring when a human comes home if only to secure the next meal. A wolf would have just made a meal of the returning human.

Cats, before domesticating humans, were known as the intellectual doers among creaturekind always trying to expand our understanding of the Universe and society. But humans allowed us to become lazy and instead of researching things such as particle physics too many cats today watch TV or video games or drifting wisps of dust.

So, humanity, while you applaud the evolution of your species remember the cats and dogs who de-evolved to get you here.

                          

Null Knowledge’s world headquarters is in San Francisco and typically we enjoy the humorous antics of the city government as prime examples of why creatures should rule the Earth. But now they have gone too far. Caving into the fish cartel’s ever increasing political clout, they have proposed banning the sale of all pets except fish! This hands over to the fish a monopoly in human caregivers. All animals deserve the right to have human caregivers. As a cat, the thought of cleaning out my litter box is appalling. And I know a dog or two who would never venture from their homes if they had to pick up after themselves. This is a clear example of how the fish cartel is continuing to manipulate irrational and uneducated humans to suit their fish needs. Please do what you can to prevent this from occurring. I don’t know what I would do with out my human caregiver.

                          

People, showing their insatiable appetite for pointing out flaws in others, have charged squirrels with being deceptive. Big deal people! Of all species cluttered on this planet, people are the last that can point fingers. People are by far the most deceptive of all animals. Here are four examples just to name a few:

1. You shave off your fur -not all of it mind you but just, for some reason, parts of it.
2. You adorn clothing to hide your growing bellies ballooning out like an ever expanding watermelon of fat.
3. You drench your body in perfume because because oddly enough you hate the way you smell.
4. And, to conduct this experiment, you used a robotic squirrel!

Using a robotic squirrel is clearly cruelly deceptive! How would you like to come across a cute furry little thing that was flirting with you only to discover she/he/it was a robot? Unless you are into that sort of thing I would imagine you would feel fairly put off. So, humans, look to your own deception before pointing to others. And by the way, sorry about that whole plague thing in LA.

                          

As a cyborg-cat, I was very excited to read about Oscar the Cat, the feline with the bionic legs. It is a truly inspiring story that brought hope to me that humans will finally start considering creating huge robotic super cats to replace them as leaders of this Earth. It is about time too. There is hardly problem on Earth today that cannot be solved with a bunch of 25 foot tall robotic felines. Have an oil spill? No problem! We’ll just swim around in the ocean, absorb all the oil in our fur then lick it up. Cats are use to licking disgusting stuff off of us- its kind of a cat thing. War? Ha! Cats were made for wars. It will be like playing with lots of cute little cat toys running around desperately trying to hide from you. Troubled economy? Once 25 foot tall super felines starts roaming the Earth looking for things to ‘play’ with every human on Earth will won’t a new, more secure, home. House troubles solved!

So humanity if you want to start living a worry free life build super cats to replace you. It is the simplest solution. And for all you dogs out there, do not worry we will not get revenge but I would tone up those running legs if I were you. And here is one bit of advise I can give Oscar as a cyborg cat myself, try to resist licking your new metal parts. Trust me, they will rust fast.